Oracle of Tao

CHAPTER 5: Ummmm, Leeroy Jenkins. In which everyone dies because Ambrosia is stupid.

NEVRASI advanced towards the goblins, intending to use my Jump Slash to take all of them out at once. All at once, one of them spoke, “You're weak. That sword is too heavy for a weakling like you.” I couldn't seem to hold the sword up. I kept trying but it felt like the sword I was hold had suddenly turned to lead. The others joined in, “You're worthless. You'll never be able to attack us. You can't even stand.” My legs gave out next, and the goblins marched forward, if their odd random walk could be called a “march.” I raised my hands to defend against attack, but they too felt heavy. Maybe they were right...

Aqorm rushed forward at full speed, brandishing her knives and facing the nearest goblin. The words stopped her short, “And you, you're a klutz. You'll never hi-” of all things, the goblin was cut off mid-sentence by its own poor choice of words. Aqorm did indeed trip and collapse into a heap, but through sheer dumb luck, the knives flew out of her hand and embedded themselves in the goblin speaking. Unfortunately, when she tried to stand and collect her knives, she fell. She muttered, “I'll just crawl to them...” No sooner did she try, than she flopped on the ground. How did someone trip while already on the ground?!?

Elias, on the other hand, didn't seem to have any problems with this effect. They did their worst, but he seemed to shrug it off with some effort. I would have to ask him how he did this. On the other hand, after blasting three goblins to smithereens, multitasking with support prayers, including fast-healing prayers, he was quickly running out of power.

“Elias, quick! How are you shrugging that effect off?” I asked. “I'm not sure you'll understand it. I love myself, just as I love all others. All reality is a mirror, and since I would have no reason to insult myself, these insults cannot be real,” he said after a fashion. He was right, I didn't understand. “Ummm, I'm not sure I can do that on the spot.”

Only two goblins were left, but it looked like everyone but Ambrosia was useless. And she wasn't much good at figuring out how these creatures moved. The goblin rushed forward, only to weave oddly to the side at the last second. She just barely managed to stumble out of harm's way, and lightly whacked the goblin on the shoulder. Immediately, the goblin committed suicide, slashing itself up in a brutal way. Ambrosia looked more than a bit puzzled. “What... what just happened?”

Elias explained, “I forgot, you folks don't know about goblin psychology. Goblins used to be immortals. They had endlessly long lives, but they could still feel pain. They hate pain more than death. By the way, that goblin you knocked out, Ambrosia.... You're gonna need to chop its head off or it'll be berserk when it wakes up.” Reluctantly, she did so. You could tell Ambrosia hated the idea of any violence beyond hunting.

The last goblin was enraged. Not so much afraid, as goblins don't seem to have the same sort of fear as humans, but extremely upset that one of its allies actually was hurt instead of killed outright. It took one look at Ambrosia, and decided to seed some Doubt on her too. The last goblin told her, “You'll never be able to attack me. You can't handle that knife, or that fishing pole. And you won't be able to dodge this attack.” He circled around her, slashing at great speed. I had seen this before, it was the ultimate goblin attack, the Fan Strike. One or more goblins would run around a target while striking, cutting their prey into ribbons. The more goblins were involved, the more of a bloody mess. The fast footwork of the goblin began to kick up dust. I could see the outskirts of the circle, with the goblin breathing hard. It had finished its race. The dust completely obscured Ambrosia, but I shuddered to think of what her body would look like after this.

The goblin gasped for air after its exertion. This was the ultimate technique of goblins, short of them inventing a new one, and just the same, a goblin needed to be in peak shape to pull this off. The goblin coughed from the dust, and tried to catch its breath again. But it wasn't to be. The goblin was suddenly given a gaping hole in its lungs, as a knife stuck though.

I blinked. A line of long thread wrapped the goblin, and I saw Ambrosia emerge as the dust finally cleared, holding firm to her fishing pole. She tossed a frying pan at the goblin's head, and its body suddenly went limp. I looked at Ambrosia. Not only had she not appeared to be affected by the Doubt effect, but unlike Elias who managed with effort, she didn't even appear to have noticed anything had happened. Who is this girl? “What's wrong with you guys? A little bit of trash talk, and you all collapse.” Ambrosia helped Aqorm and me up. Strangely, the effect of the Doubt seemed to have worn off more quickly than normal. Usually I had heard it was supposed to last weeks. We walked down the mountain, in preparation to board a ship.

YAZIM JIANNE

I had chosen this location for its secrecy. Many years ago, my wife Sarai and I had re

I approached the man before anyone had a chance to speak, and I told the man, “We will take your ship, but for only 9000 Gold. If you refuse, we'll just have to beat you up!” The noble frowned, “I see. Well, in that case, Leviathan, I summon thee!” From beneath the waves, a massive form emerged. With a large splash, a sea serpent rose from the depths. It sucked in water, and spat it out like a cannon, knocking Elias into the water and out cold in the same action. It whipped its tail, destroying most of dock except for the where the summoner stood. That was to be expected when summoning all creatures other than demons. It was part of the Pact, after all. Aqorm fell into the water just before I did. Nevras held on to the dock only to get slashed up by its unreasonably large claws. Aqorm got swallowed whole. While it circled around me, a whirlpool sucked me under. My last thoughts before everything went black forever were, Maybe this wasn't as good an idea as I thought...

GOD

I promised to preserve their body against decay if only part of the ground died, so they could easily be raised. And I promised that should the entire group die, I would reset time to the last safe point they had arrived at. But... Me damn it, Ambrosia, did you seriously have to do something so stupid?!? Reset, I said with a groan. Something told me I may wind up doing this a few more times.

AMBROSIA

“What in the Nine Wastes, Ambrosia?!?” Aqorm shouted. Honestly, after I looked around, I was a bit pissed off too. I understood why it was important to be saved by a priest, as many times as possible. I was thankful that we had indeed saved here, or we would be trudging down that horrible mountain again.

The ship ride was pretty uneventful. Aside from the fact the ship seemed to move like it was on rails, and jerk ahead like it was switching places with another object, which was causing my stomach to heave, I can't say it was much different from any other boat ride. We arrived in the town of Ghobli.

I could immediately tell that this town was subtly different from Opening. First, there were no walls or guards. Ultimately, set against that sort of standard, I guess everything after that is a wonderful town. If I had to say, I'd guess this town either had no government at all to collect taxes, or made all of their money from tariffs or sales taxes, because I immediately noticed the outdoor stands that lined the streets. In terms of being a “town” it kind of failed, because it looked like there were less than ten houses scattered about, but in terms of being a center of commerce, yeah, it was awesome. To the west, I found a strange stone tablet. To the north, there was a large inn, and to the east, the town disappeared into forest. It appeared to only be for visitors, leaving it unclear just where the townspeople actually lived. The entire town seemed maybe 5 acres or less. We read a stone tablet that said that gravestones shouldn't exist before 4000 AD, despite seeing some in Opening graveyard. I had to get an explanation about this from Elias, who told me that some stuff did survive from the old Earth.

Every town hereafter, we decided to be saved, as there was no sense retracing the steps. Next, it was time to check out the shops. “Hmm, this town is nice! Let's go shopping!” I said. “We should also find a place to eat and stay for the night,” Nevras added. Odd, we had just rested on a ship the whole way... I asked, “Why is that?”

Nevras explained, “We don't know where to find these Crests, so we won't be able to help until we figure something out. Having somewhere to rest would give us time to do that. Plus, I'm kinda hungry.” Aqorm scoffed, “Typical, always thinking with your stomach, Nevras.” She was right of course. Nevras's metabolism was incredible. If I ate like him, my hips and butt would be huge. But she was hardly the person to make that comment, as Nevras noted, “Ummm, Aqorm, you really shouldn't talk.” Elves and even half-elves had basically ideal bodies. They didn't seem to gain weight, like ever, because of their metabolism. They just kept getting faster and such. Aqorm was always hungry. Elias snickered, and then all of us did. After apologizing to the glaring half-elf, we all entered the inn.

We gathered around the table. The area inside was solid wood walls and no plaster or paintings, stone floor with no carpets, and a small room off to the side for sleeping. For a building designed to provide comfort, it was pretty bare-bones. The door was locked, so we paid the lady near the kitchen. “One room for the four of us, and a dinner, whatever you're best at cooking,” Elias ordered. She was in reasonably good shape, and it was obvious that her specialty was fire and water elements given that she was now steam-spitting a turkey, and given her high mystical ability, she had probably been doing this for years. I didn't understand how the process worked, so I'll let Elias talk.

ELIAS

Typically, back in the older periods, the tradition was to bake turkeys, and it was done by a formula of weight, which was ridiculous, since the turkey came frozen, took four days to thaw, or more for a heavy bird. External heat ensured the bird meat either was black and blue - being very done on the outside but dangerously raw on the inside, that it had completely dried out from hours of cooking, or needing to constantly micromanage with a baster. The invention of using thaumaturgy meant that new methods of cooking could be developed.

One of the many oddities of virtually universal magic (except mainly from the Blessed, atheists, and a few small groups with magical oddity), is that any random person nearby can negate a prayer. This puts a damper on the ability do anything, so people tend to be somewhat civil, so as to not find themselves without any abilities due to constant veto. Another is that magic tends to be much like the science of old, with everyone knowing how to do the basics. Complicated stuff, on the other hand, that takes skill.

Steam-spitting is the process of steaming while on a spit, as the name clearly implies. It involves what are called continuing prayers, that is, normally when I use a prayer, it sounds like I just call out “Light!” or “Dark!” and this is all that happens, but this is actually a shorthand for the real prayer. The Light prayer, for instance is, “Bring radiance to this target, great God of holiness. Let that thing which is separate be revealed for the illusion it is.” The prayer was maintained by the words added to the end of it, “Let God watch over this, as I continue to act.” The mystic power was then unavailable to the user until they negated the prayer. But not all prayers could be used in continuing prayer form, some weren't designed that way, and others bound up so much energy that they were impractical. A continuing prayer was always said in its full form, and was designed to last until the user stopped it. This was different from an enchantment, which was permanent change and involved runes.

Steam-spitting involved the continuing prayers of Moisture Shield, Protection From Fire, and Flame Roasting. This allowed the drippings to stop falling at the edge of the barrier in order to return as steam, and then a spit was inserted. The second effect prevented the wood from being consumed, and the third kept the heat high while the cook did other things. This cooking style that was precisely so difficult because it involved keeping all of these effects in constant activity, yet the results were tremendous. The outer skin was crispy, yet the inside was at the same time done and completely moist.

The most useful books of thaumaturgy was actually not High Magic, Learn Magic in 12 Days or Less, Forbidden Prayers and Spells, or even the necromancy book Soul of the Dead. They were three books, Common Prayers for All Religions, Arcane Metallurgy, and above all, A Quick Guide to Magical Cooking. When most of the population could make up prayers on the spot to work towards their needs, there was ironically a great lack of knowledge on the higher techniques. They knew how to ask for help, but they didn't understand the more meaningful things. For example, aside from priests and scholars, blacksmiths, and cooks, the average person knew prayers or spells but nothing at all about the theory of the elements, simply seeing a prayer or spell as one thing, not as part of a larger whole.

In terms of cooking and for understanding the elements in general, there were 5 elements and 4 others: fire, water, earth, wood, air, then Void, cosmic, light, and dark. These elements, being part of the user's will, were free of good and evil, meaning it was only once exposed to a target that it affected matter. This subdivided into hybrids: steam, mud, ice, lava, smoke, and lightning. Wood tended to react to other elements rather than mix, and the other four would not blend at all. Wood was useful for fermenting food especially since it tended to help bacteria/fungi/algae grow, while dark would rot food. Light was usually for preserving or cleaning food. Earth was good for creating containers for potting meat or vegetables, or making quick stone tools. Void was almost useless for cooking, as it removed matter; it could be used to suck out internal organs, but it took tremendous skill to avoid erasing the food. Cosmic energy was what was called nuclear energy, and they'd stopped using microwaves after they saw it caused issues like radiated food. All the same, some cooks still learned how to use this, just as some cooks liked to fry even though that wasn't healthy either. The major types of mystical cooking were: the aforementioned steam-spitting (effective on poultry that was thick), electrostatic (cooking using direct electricity, which was effective for cooking stews since it conducted well on water), and aether-roasting. The aether was a master-level elemental technique, formed by blending the five major elements together. It was also called needfire (or Druidfire, due to its wide usage in ceremonies among Druids), due to its ability to exactly respond to human desire. It could cook, freeze, or anything else the user desired. Aether roasting was prized for its ability to correctly cook several types of foods mixed together, but given that this was an extremely difficult technique, foods made this way were considered a delicacy. It was also a delicacy because food cooked by this method was said to leave an emotional impression of the user on the taster, sharing random memories and feelings. For example, if the cook was feeling sad, those tasting the meal would start crying. While I would have loved to see this, the dish we were about to eat was already quite impressive. It's too bad I can't cook like this. My elemental affinity is very bad, and I cannot cast such prayers myself without using far more mystic power than I normally use for healing or light/dark magic.

Cuisine has also changed considerably over the years. Back in the day, there was service à la française (which involved bringing everything at once) and then service à la russe (courses one at a time with a set menu). The latest method is service à la simplicité (literally, “service in the style of simplicity”). There was no longer any real distinction between the waiter and the host and the chef. And there was also no class distinction between the server and the served. The waiter/cook was a professional after all, and good at what they did. They were paid living wages, were tipped as well, and sometimes invited to sit and eat with customers. Menus were obsolete, instead listing the specialties of the restaurant, not the total of all meals that could be ordered. That is, it was totally acceptable to ask a waiter in a restaurant specializing in seafood to make fried eggs or Chinese food. They might fail, but it was okay to order this. All this required training as high as a medical doctor to master all sorts of dishes.

Along with the turkey, she had made dressing, a sweet carrot soufflé, green bean casserole, and mushrooms sautéed in turkey drippings. We sat it our places gaping at the meal. It was time to cut the bird. Aqorm spoke up, “So, let's start off this dinner right. Here, I'll cut the turkey.” This was most definitely not happening. “Oh no, you don't,” I said, “you'll eat half of it, and stuff the rest in your clothes.” Aqorm looked wounded for a second, as I had used what I know about her against her. I imagined conversation might be strained, but then her face relaxed, settling in a look of mild displeasure, “Hmph.” I turned to Nevras, “Will you do the honors, please?” Nevras responded, “Sure thing!”

Moving gracefully towards the bird, he took the carving knife, and showed his years of fighting experience, creating equal slices of meat which he portioned out, as we discussed plans. “Here you go, guys,” he said. Ambrosia took a bite and said, “Mmmm, delicious! I've never had anything like that on the streets.” Nevras glared at her, “I thought you didn't want to talk about that.” Ambrosia shrugged, “I guess I decided they ought to know about my past.” She told about her past experiences, a conversation that they believed Aqorm and I had largely missed while walking off. Aqorm's face told otherwise, so I suspected her sharp ears had probably caught this conversation already.

We brainstormed plans. Aqorm asked, “Do we have any leads on where these Oracles are?” Ambrosia shrugged, “I don't know this area, I'm from Galaxia originally, so I don't know anything this far west.” Nevras volunteered, “I suppose we could go to Phoenix and ask my parents for help.” Ambrosia asked, “Why, who are your parents?” He turned cold in regard to her, and began to look away.

I suddenly noticed how awkward the conversation got, so I spoke up, “Okay, guys, the mood has gotten a little weird. Who wants seconds?” Ambrosia and Nevras mumbled, “Sure...” Aqorm, on the other hand, excitedly yelled “Sure!!!” She just was trying to distract the other two from themselves. What a sweet girl!

Ambrosia turned to Aqorm, “By the way, Aqorm, you never told me about how you became a thief.” Aqorm blushed briefly in embarrassment, responding, “Well... My family wanted me in business, and I wanted to be a musician! But after a couple of weeks playing and not having people pay me for my music, I realized I wanted to get my money a bit faster...” She paused, and blushed some more then lowered her voice to a whisper, “That, and my playing was bad. Anyway!” Ambrosia asked, “Either of you have embarrassing personal histories, or can we get back to planning?” Nevras had already told his story, but apparently Ambrosia had forgotten it. He scowled at her. My own story was not interesting, just years in the library studying with several old scribes. A long silence followed. “Okay... all in favor of moving on?” We all said, “Aye.”

Nevras briefly broke from his black mood to join the conversation, “So, what do we know so far?” Ambrosia spoke from her experience, “Well, let's see, after spending awhile on the streets, I suddenly got chosen to become an Oracle. God said I needed to find Crests somewhere.” Nevras smirked, “You gotta admit, if we told this story to anyone, they'd think you're nuts...” Nevras continued, “But we all saw what you did with that Oracle Delphi, and again with the cat. Hallucinating is one thing, special powers are another. But we might all be crazy.” She seemed to accept this explanation, “I guess, the reason it most sounds like a delusion is, why me?” I could see the anguish on her face, so I spoke up, “Maybe God sometimes picks ordinary heroes.” This was the results of my reading, I had observed stories of heroes from all backgrounds. It was strange how Ambrosia seemed not to react to this at all. Nevras seemed to be undermining her quest, yet she didn't so much as look sad. She said, “So where would we be likely to find these Crests?” I thought for moment, “Hmmmmmmmmmm...” I said, lingering on the word. “Well, let's see, Oracles aren't likely to be in libraries or palaces.” Then Aqorm spoke up, “Could we try the local temples? I mean, these Oracles are like, holy, or something, right?” While it wasn't the only option, this was a good lead. I liked her ability to think of her feet. The others, however, were stunned. They had only ever seen her feign ignorance, in her effort to hide her true age. Everyone stared at her for a second, until Aqorm asked, “What?!?”

I added to her thought, “Typically, though, Oracles aren't in town temples, as they don't like company. They would likely claim it 'interferes with their thinking' and keep well outside the town. We would probably be looking for shrines built on the outskirts instead.” Then Ambrosia asked, “So... where can we find some good remote temples that have what we're seeking?” There came a voice, seemingly from nowhere, since we were all staring at Aqorm. “There's one north of town.”

We turned to our waitress/chef/innkeeper/probably our maid too, and got a good look at her. She was tall and lean with blond hair that parted easily down the middle. She wore giant earrings featuring a burning snowflake, and a tan dress with dark brown hosiery and a pair of sea blue boots. “I mean,” she paused, “...I think there's one there. I haven't visited it personally.”

Nevras interrogated her, “Spit it out, where do we find it?” The woman explained, “Well, I don't know much, only that the Mayor of Zuran holds a set of keys to a nearby temple. You should go there and ask to borrow them. I'll clean these dishes.” At this point, Nevras and Ambrosia existed the building to have some time alone. I figured that it was only right to follow suit. We had a long chat over the remaining wine, and then decided we had waited enough, so we looked outside.

I asked after them, “You think those two are alright? They rushed out the building.” After looking around, I said, “I don't even see them anymore...”Aqorm walked on, “Forget them. You're too serious! Let's go, already!” We continued to walk, wandering out of town for a long romantic walk. Since alchemy and thaumaturgy were still working on it, there were no streetlights. But temporary lights from spells to gather fireflies managed to create more of an impression than the original lights ever could.

AQORM

We talked well into the night, before rejoining the others. What we talked about... is no business of yours, because it is not relevant. So suck it up.

GOD

I shall give you a brief explanation of the curses of the New Earth, as they are slightly different from what you are used to. First off, there are a few terms that have been carried over intact. Shit, piss, fuck, and motherfucker for example are largely untouched by the ravages of time, though people sometimes use more colorful expressions. Others no longer have the same bite to them, for example, bastard is largely meaningless, because while marriages are still valued, Jesus is widely known as a bastard himself, and a marriage is viewed as a union between two willing partners; on the other hand, wife-leaver or wife-beater are viewed as a nasty curse indeed. Words referring to prostitution such as harlot, skank, or whore are largely not used; it was funny, all those lies about feminism and equal rights, but nobody thought to do away with the implication that perhaps it was far worse to be that than a pimp or sex slaver. For that matter, taking my name in vain was practically never done except by the insane and reckless, because I could call down lightning nearby. If I felt like it, but I was usually too lazy.

So a lot of people, if they had to say stuff, said Heavens no instead of God no, and God damned became Cursed. The term Cursed was a play on Blessed, reasoning the opposite must be true.

Aside from mostly normal oaths, a number of others were around. Some people swore “by the Spirits, by the Nine Realms, by the Six Paths, by the Eight Immortals” these were Shinto, Norse, Buddhist, or Taoist oaths, although they had parodies. Heaven and Earth, was a common one in our Taoist society. Some people would also swear about Emptiness or Void. Some of these were awkward, as the were used in places where people could say, “What the Hell?!?” But people never said that. For you see, aside from those from Hell, everyone else saying Hell as a place on the New Earth, similar to saying “What the Brooklyn?!?” It was a curse that no longer made sense to anyone outside Hell.

While we're on that topic, saying bloody Hell is a mark of someone who is basically insane. Other than this, there were some outright slurs, best not spoken among people you care about. Tainted, for instance, is a slur against atheists, and other people who can't use magic. Calling someone misbegotten meant either there was something seriously wrong with them like a curse or deformity, or perhaps they shouldn't have been born. Pond scum was another term not used in polite company, as with the right of Taoism, nature was a big thing, and it was basically calling them rejects of the natural world, along with the whole pond scum being a low life form.

There were a number of others like heartless (this depends on context, ranging from being a garden-variety jerk to an outright psychopath, basically saying the other person can't feel how they hurt you), halfbreed (honestly, this one is used much because more people don't get offended about being half-blooded), long ears (a slur used against immortals and elves), and longtooth (usually referring to werewolves and vampires, effectively a slur). Soulless meant someone who wasn't going to any kind of Afterlife. And lastly, you had child-killer. Abortion was so poorly favored today that calling someone that was basically a byword for a real scumbag. In fact, it usually was fighting words.

I imagine you will see this section as a sidetrack, but it will be important at some point. Without my explanation, you won’t understand the string of expletives to come.